When We Blame Ourselves After Every Mistake

Sometimes a single piece of news lasts only a few seconds. Yet its echo inside a person can resonate for much longer.

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“I Am a Failure”

When Karolina found out that she had failed her exam, the most painful part was not the result itself. The most painful part was what she said to herself in that moment.

“I am a failure.”
After that thought came another.
“I am not good enough.”
And then another.
“I didn’t try hard enough.”

She did not want to tell anyone what had happened. She felt ashamed. It seemed as though she had let herself down. She had failed to meet her own expectations. It felt like no one would understand or support her.

Later, Karolina wrote:

“I felt deeply devastated and didn’t want to accept the fact that I had failed the exam. I blamed myself intensely for not being able to pass. I didn’t want to tell anyone because I was ashamed and felt that no one would support me.”

She cried. But even while crying, she did not allow herself to be gentle with herself.

The more she cried, the more she blamed herself. The more she blamed herself, the more convinced she became that the only solution was to study harder, rest less, and control herself even more strictly.

Her body reacted so strongly that it became difficult to stand steadily. Her hands were shaking. Her legs felt unstable.

Karolina described it this way:

“My body felt frozen and unstable—it seemed like I couldn’t stand firmly, but I was also trembling, especially my hands.”

It was with this pain that Karolina came to individual online therapy.

However, it soon became clear that the real problem was not the failed exam. The exam had merely uncovered a much older inner story that Karolina had been carrying with her for many years.

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When We Blame Ourselves After Every Mistake

During therapy, Karolina reconnected with a painful memory from her teenage years.

When she was fifteen, she had also felt deeply disappointed in herself. After doing poorly on a school assessment, she spent a long time criticizing herself. She wanted a better grade. She didn’t get it. And she concluded that the problem was herself.

From then on, after every setback, it was as if the same program automatically switched on inside her.

If you failed, it meant you didn’t try hard enough.
If you didn’t try hard enough, you had to push yourself even more.
Work harder.
Rest less.
Control yourself more strictly.

Over the years, this strategy became so familiar that Karolina no longer noticed how much energy it cost her. She sincerely believed that only constant pressure would help her achieve more.

But the opposite was happening.

The more she pushed herself, the less she trusted herself. The less she trusted herself, the more afraid she became of making mistakes. And every new failure only reinforced this vicious cycle.

After therapy, Karolina described this realization:

“I realized that I couldn’t trust myself because I was constantly pushing myself, constantly blaming myself, and my self-confidence was only becoming more suppressed.”

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Her Body Was Not Fighting Against Her

During therapy, another unexpected discovery emerged.

For a long time, Karolina believed that the biggest problem was her trembling. But in therapy, she began to see it in a completely different way.

She realized that the trembling appeared whenever the inner pressure became unbearable. Whenever self-blame, fear, and control crossed the limit.

In that moment, for the first time, she felt that her body was not fighting against her. It was trying to stop her.

As if quietly saying:
“Stop.”
“Stop pushing yourself.”
“You don’t have to fight yourself.”

It was an entirely new way of seeing her body. Not as an enemy, but as an ally.

Later, Karolina wrote:

“Now I understand that the trembling was trying to protect me from excessive control and from pushing myself too hard, which weighed heavily on me. The trembling was trying to warn me that I was more frightened than I realized and that I needed to stop being so harsh with myself because it doesn’t help me build self-confidence—it only causes more suffering and slowly destroys me from within.”

This discovery changed her relationship with her body. What she had long seen as a weakness suddenly became a meaningful signal. Not a sign that something was wrong with her, but a sign that she had been merciless toward herself for far too long.

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When Control Becomes a Burden

Together with this discovery, Karolina also began to see her inner need for control differently.

For a long time, she believed that only constant control could protect her from mistakes, shame, and failure. That only strictness would help her achieve her goals. That only constant pressure would keep her from giving up.

But in therapy, she also saw the other side of this strategy.

It didn’t allow her to relax.
It didn’t allow her to rest.
It didn’t allow her to make mistakes.

She lived as though every mistake could become proof that she was not good enough.

After therapy, Karolina wrote:

“I realized that every time something didn’t go well, I tried to control myself even more. I wanted to stop myself from resting and force myself to study more. Constantly controlling myself kept me tense all the time, and I could never truly relax. I believed that only through control would I be able to overcome everything, but after therapy I realized that there was too much control inside me, and it prevented me from trusting myself more.”

At that moment, the central question of her story began to emerge.

Maybe the real problem had never been the failed exam. Maybe the real problem was that after every setback, Karolina was left alone with her inner critic.

And that was where her greatest inner transformation began.

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The Greatest Change

The greatest change did not happen because the exam result changed. It didn’t.

The greatest change happened because Karolina’s relationship with herself changed.

After many years, she finally saw clearly that constantly pushing herself had never made her stronger. It had only taken away her confidence.

After therapy, Karolina wrote:

“I realized that pushing myself only gets in my way and doesn’t help me trust myself more. On the contrary, it tears me down and prevents me from feeling capable of doing things on my own.”

This became one of her most important discoveries.

She also realized that she had not lacked self-confidence because she was weak. She lacked self-confidence because she had spent years pushing, criticizing, and blaming herself.

In her own words:

“I realized that I couldn’t trust myself because I was constantly pushing myself, constantly blaming myself, and my self-confidence was only becoming more suppressed.”

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Meeting Her Fifteen-Year-Old Self

One of the most emotional moments of therapy for Karolina was meeting her fifteen-year-old self.

After therapy, she wrote:

“What touched me the most was the scene with my fifteen-year-old self because I realized how harsh I had been toward myself, constantly blaming myself whenever something didn’t work out or whenever I made a mistake. I also realized that at that time I desperately needed support, not empty phrases like ‘everything will be okay’ or ‘it’s not the end of the world.’”

But what mattered most was what happened in the present. For the first time, Karolina genuinely felt greater confidence in herself.

She described it this way:

“The most meaningful moment was when I said the words, ‘I can do this myself. I will succeed.’ I realized that I can overcome everything without blaming myself. The most significant moment for me was when I felt greater self-confidence inside.”

Even her view of the failed exam changed. At the beginning of the session, it had felt like the greatest tragedy. By the end, it had become an opportunity.

“At the beginning of the session, it felt like the greatest tragedy—that I wouldn’t be able to pass the exam and that I was worthless. Now I see it as an opportunity to take the exam again.”

After therapy, Karolina wrote words that, in my opinion, best describe her entire inner journey:

“I discovered that I can overcome everything without blaming or pressuring myself. I discovered that I trust myself more, and that I am not a failure. I realized that I am allowed to make mistakes, and there is nothing wrong with that. Not everything has to work out the first time.”

When asked what she was taking from therapy into her daily life, she answered:

“What I take with me from this therapy is the belief that I can overcome everything on my own, and I truly believe that. I trust myself. I realized that pushing myself, blaming myself, and constantly controlling myself will never help me trust myself more—it will only destroy me from within.”

And she made herself a promise:

“I promise myself that I will stop blaming myself, stop pushing myself, and stop trying to control myself so much. I promise myself that I will trust myself more.”

When I asked her to describe her therapeutic experience in one sentence, Karolina wrote:

“It is frightening to relive all those painful emotions, but if I want to move forward, I need to understand and let go of the past.”

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My Reflection

After many years of working with people, I have noticed that the greatest pain is often not caused by the failure itself. The greatest pain comes from what we begin to believe about ourselves after we fail.

When someone makes a mistake, fails an exam, doesn’t get the job, or experiences another setback, long-held beliefs can quickly come to life:

“I am a failure.”
“I am not good enough.”
“I didn’t try hard enough.”
“Next time I have to push myself even harder.”

At first glance, it may seem that self-criticism and strict self-control will help us achieve better results. But very often, the opposite happens.

The more people push themselves, the more they lose confidence in themselves. The less confidence they have, the more afraid they become of making mistakes. And the more afraid they are of making mistakes, the more tightly they try to control themselves.

This is how a vicious cycle is created.

In therapy, we often discover that today’s reactions did not begin today. They usually grow out of earlier experiences in which mistakes were deeply painful, and over time the person begins to believe that their worth depends on their achievements.

What touched me most in this story was not that Karolina failed an exam. What touched me was that by the end of therapy, she was able to say clearly for the first time:

“I can.”

Not because she had suddenly become perfect. Not because life would no longer bring setbacks. But because she had begun to trust herself more.

To me, this is one of the most beautiful moments in therapy. Not when a person stops making mistakes, but when they no longer lose their connection with themselves after a setback.

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An Invitation to Individual Therapy

If after every setback you begin blaming yourself…
If it feels like you are never good enough…
If you constantly push yourself, criticize yourself, and live under relentless inner control…
If you want to learn to trust yourself more, accept mistakes more calmly, and stop fighting yourself…

I invite you to individual online therapy.

Every person’s story is unique. That is why in therapy we explore not only what hurts today, but also the deeper reasons why certain emotions, beliefs, and behavioral patterns keep repeating.

In therapy, it is important not only to understand your story. It is equally important to experience that it is possible to build a new relationship with yourself—one with more trust, more inner peace, and less self-blame.

If you feel that the time has come to change this relationship with yourself, I warmly invite you to book an individual therapy session.

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♥️ Rūta Janulevičienė

CPTT – Certified Practitioner of Psychogenealogy and Transgenerational Therapy
Psychodrama Director Trainee (under supervision)
Psychodrama Assistant
Veriditas Labyrinth Facilitator

🌿 Individual therapy sessions are held online.

For more information and bookings:
www.rutajanuleviciene.lt